I am flammable, part two.

Another time I caught on fire, I was standing in the lounge talking to my flatmates, when they all randomly starting laughing uncontrollably. Now, I think that I'm funny. In fact, I think that I'm the funniest person in the world, I frequently have myself in hysterics over my witty jokes. Thing is, nobody else seems to find me that funny, so I knew that wasn't why they were laughing.

Had I said something that could be considered as sexual innuendo? Nope, I'm normally the first person to pick up on something like that. Did I have something on my face? Nope, I was about to go out, so I was looking hot, and hadn't recently eaten anything messy, like chocolate or spaghetti (or lets face it, any type of food you could possibly think of, it is me we're talking about).

Then I noticed a strange smell... Kind of like when we tried to build a bonfire at school out of chip packets... why could I smell burning plastic?

I was standing in front of the heater to warm up, and sure enough, my skirt had caught on fire.

My thought pattern went like this:


 Why are they laughing?

What's that smell?

AHHHHHHHHHHH PANIC

HELP MEEEEEE!!!

PANICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC OH SHIT WHAT DO I DO??

I KNOW! I'll put out the fire....

WITH MY HANDS!

Problem solved.

Pictured above: a genius.

Now that I think of it, that probably wasn't the smartest thing to do. If it was fully on fire, I could have burnt myself. Even though I've had "Stop Drop and Roll" drilled into my head since primary school, it was the last thing in my mind. Fire seems to have a strange effect on me where I lose all common sense.

One time Beth and I were cooking, and something that the boys had dropped on the element caught on fire. This time my thought pattern went:

Flames?

FIRE!!

PANIC!!!

WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DOOOOOOO?

PANIC!!!

GET THE BUDGIES OUTSIDE SO THEY DON'T DIE FROM SMOKE INHALATION!!!

Luckily Beth is some sort of superhero, and quickly wet a teatowel, threw it on the element, and turned the element off.

I went on a big rant about how they should teach us essential skills (such as putting out fires) at school, instead of stuff like algebra... but as the "fire skirt" incident shows us, all knowledge disappears from my head when I see fire.

I am flammable, part one.

For some reason, I get set on fire more often than everyone else. Or maybe other people get set on fire too, but they just don't talk about it. Is there some getting-set-on-fire taboo that I don't know about? Never fear, you don't need to be ashamed anymore! It's ok to admit that you got set on fire. Let it all out....


Once upon a time I was talking with some friends at school, when everyone started attacking me.

 Turns out that some boys had snuck up behind me and set fire to my hair.

About half of that section of hair was gone. As someone who freaks out every time they get a few cms cut off their hair (OH MY GOD IT'S SO SHORT! PANIC!!! WHERE DID IT ALL GO? NOOOOOOOOO!) this felt like the end of the world.

I spent the rest of lunchtime sulking because how could anyone love me now that I was a hideous half burnt beast?

Lunchtime finished, and I sulked my way to the last class of the day. This class was one of my favourites, as I usually spent the whole time gossiping with friends.

 As soon as I sat down, my friends got up and moved. I thought that maybe they didn't want to be my friend anymore, since I was now deformed and ugly. After a few minutes of pondering which brand of cat food I would buy for my 27 cats when I inevitably turned into a lonely cat lady (because nobody could ever love someone with half their hair burnt off) it dawned on me that everyone was avoiding me because I smelled. Like burnt hair. Have you ever smelt burnt hair? I can't even think of words to describe how terrible it is. Like death rolled around in poo and rotten eggs.

I don't think that even 27 cats wouldn't love me if I smelled that bad.


Wow, this took way longer than I expected. Stay tuned for part two and three, whenever I can be bothered doing this again!