High heels

Sorry I haven't posted in ages, I've been sick with the flu so I haven't been feeling very creative or funny. But I'm almost better now, so here's a short post.

First of all, a bit of back-story. A few years ago I was a complete trainwreck. I was really depressed, and engaged in lots of self destructive behaviours to try to feel better. Most of the time, it only made things worse, but I couldn't see that, so the cycle continued. It was a really horrible, dark time for me, but now that I've completely turned my life around, I can look back and laugh at some of the funnier aspects of it.

_________________________________


I'm sure that all girls agree with me, that on any given night out on the town you will reach a point where you feel as if you will literally die if you continue to wear your high heels.

The heels begin to feel as if they're made out of lava, and you swear your bones are breaking, and nobody has ever felt pain like this before. Most boys will never understand this, so they're very unsympathetic when this happens.

One night, after going out drinking with friends, we were walking home when I reached this point. I took my heels off and kept walking.

My friend Ben told me to put my shoes back on. Of course, I didn't listen to him, and I kept walking.

He told me numerous times to put my shoes back on, but I refused.

He's a boy after all, what does he know about the pain of high heels?

Sure enough, after a few minutes, I cut my foot on a piece of glass.

Oh the pain!!!!

Now because I was drunk and had a bleeding foot, this seemed like the end of the world. Someone pay attention to me!

So of course, I went attention seeking to Ben.

After him telling me repeatedly to put my shoes back on, he was not impressed.

What he said:

How I saw it:

I got upset, and ran away crying.

My friend Kaylene, who was walking home with us, but had been busy talking to someone else so she had no idea what was going on, chased after me.

Sobbing, I told her that Ben was being mean to me.

So she marched back to the group, and ripped into a bewildered Ben for being mean to me.

I jumped in a taxi, bled all through it, and sulked all the way home.


Edit: So a few people have mentioned that Ben is a dick. That's not at all what I was trying to say! I was trying to say that I'M the dick!

Hospital

So the other night at work I smacked my head pretty hard on the fridge door, and that + really low blood sugar = a trip to the hospital. I'm ok, I only had mild concussion and I got to go home that night, but it's still pretty embarrassing.

It seems that whenever I injure myself I never have cool stories to tell, only embarrassing ones. I wish I had cool ones, like.....

"I bailed in the terrain park after getting some sweet air"

"I was the victim of a hit and run as I tried to stop some bank robbers getting away"

"I was fighting a tiger"

But no, instead it's:

"I hit a small bump and fell over" = possible fractured wrist, turned out it was only a bad sprain (but the doctors didn't bother telling me that until I'd already had the cast on for ten days)

"My mother accidentally ran me over with the car" = sprained ankle and squished foot

Pictured above: Exactly what I said. There's no way I would have just grunted "bye" as I ran from the car, cos I'm such an awesome child and all that.

"I was playing with my dog and got his paw in my eye" = scratched eye, leading to the discovery that I'd pretty much been blind in one eye for my whole life anyway.

Some other injuries I've had:

"I dropped a pot lid on my toe" = broken toe

"I got angry and in my rage I tripped over the vacuum cleaner" = broken toe

Pictured above: Pure rage

"I hit my head on the roof" = concussion

I wish I could say "I was saving a bunch of orphans from a burning building"

but really I stepped on my hair straightener. I was getting ready for a fancy dress birthday party, and I'd decided to dress as a ladybug.

Pictured above: Awesomeness

So there I was, looking SUPER cute in my ladybug costume, had just finished straightening my hair, turned the straightener off, put it on the floor, and stepped on it. Keep in mind that GHDs get up to around 200°C . I now had a burn on the bottom of my foot, about 1 inch by 4 inches. It hurt soo bad and I couldn't walk, so I needed crutches, so off I went to the hospital.

Dressed as a ladybug.

Pictured above: Shame

The nurses assumed that I'd been to a party, got drunk and hurt myself. I had to explain to them that no, I was getting ready for the party, I wasn't drunk, just clumsy. They bandaged me up, gave me some crutches, and I rocked up to the party an hour late, on crutches, and in an awesome ladybug outfit.

Spiders

Saying that I'm scared of spiders is a bit of an understatement. I'm absolutely terrified of them. I'm 22 years old, and they still make me cry.

I'm a biology student, and I had to do one paper all about animals. A part of this was spiders, and I couldn't even go to the classes or labs for it because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. I asked the teacher to give me some special notes with pictures removed, but that fell through, so I ended up reading about them on Wikipedia to study for my test. (I don't care what my lecturers say, Wikipedia is a legit source)

So I'm sitting in the library at uni, studying hard on wikipedia. Now look on any random wikipedia page, and you'll see that the pictures are always down the right hand side. Being the innovative genius that I am, I decided to hold up a book along the right hand side of the page to hide any pictures.

So I'm happily studying.... well, not really *happily* studying.

But I'm studying away, minding my own business, when

BOOM SPIDER! AHHHHHHHHHH!

And I burst into tears in the middle of the library.

Another time, sitting at home, flicking through the channels on the giant HD TV.

BOOM SPIDER! AHHHHHHHHHH!

And I vomit.

Another time, checking facebook.

WORRY ABOUT SPIDER! AHHHHHHHHHH!

And I worried so much that I vomited.

At home, find a spider in my room.

Flatmates are all asleep, can't wake them up, sleep on couch.

Another time I'm nearly asleep when..

BOOM SPIDER! AHHHHHHHHHH!

Run to parents, ask them to remove spider.

(not their exact words, but along those lines) So I went and stayed at my boyfriends house for the night..

Now I know that "oh they're harmless, they're more scared of you than you are of them, ect" (which is stupid anyway, I've never seen a spider cry when it sees me) but I DON'T CARE!! If you'd had to endure the trauma that I had when I was a child, you'd be scared of them too!

My sister and I were playing while waiting for my father to finish a bike race. I was young, probably about seven years old. I found a spiders nest in a bush, and thought it was pretty so I wanted to take it home. After an epic struggle, I managed to rip the branch off, and I took home my new treasure.

Yes, I knew it was a spiders nest, yes I knew there were spiders in there, but at that stage I wasn't scared of spiders. Also, I wanted pets.

I have no idea why my parents didn't tell me not to take it. Come to think of it, they probably did and I just didn't listen because I WANTED PET BABY SPIDERS DAMMIT.

Anyway, I left the spiders nest in my room, and pretty much forgot about it.

One day, I found a baby spider.

YAY PET BABY SPIDER!

I soon found more baby spiders.

YAY PET BABY SPIDERS!!

And more

YAY MORE PET BABY SPIDERS!

And more..

BABY SPIDERS!

And more...

SPIDERS?

And more...

MORE SPIDERS?

And more...

OH GOD MAKE IT STOP NO MORE SPIDERS



And more...

NOOOO NO MORE SPIDERS I'M BEGGING YOU PLEASE GO AWAY

And MORE

AND MORE AND MORE AND MORE AND MORE!!!

Spiders everywhere in my room. EVERYWHERE!

So yeah, that's why I'm scared of spiders.

I'm not really sure how to end this post, and it was kind of traumatising so here, look at some ducklings in a cup.